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A Real Shit Show
It was before 7 a.m. this morning and I had already handled more excrement than any person could be expected to, at least one not in the sanitation business. Dogs, humans, even the birds overhead as I...
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Parenting Is Not “Rewarding.”
People love to tell you that it is, but how is parenting a reward? And what is it a reward for, fertility? When you put your kids to bed at night, what’s the prize? They’re just going to get up again...
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Kids Are Selfish Little Assholes
And they are supposed to be. Just don’t tell them that because children have no sense of irony and would probably take it personally. Maybe they are oversensitive due to how recently they were still in...
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I’m Going To Masturbate For You
Introducing a very special V-Day Promotion for your V. For the week before Valentine’s Day, I’m going to be road testing and blogging about a different sex toy every day. That’s right, because I’m a...
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Masturbating MILF Contest Details
To enter for the chance to win this incredible Valentine’s Day Limited Edition Stockroom Giveaway there are just three easy steps: 1. Follow me on twitter @malibumom1 2. Mandatory: Tweet the following...
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How To Do Laundry After Divorce
1. Wait ten days until the basket is overflowing and you’re down to wearing colors that didn’t look good on you in high school. 2. Procrastinate a few more days. (The same way you waited too long to...
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I Tried To Resign From Motherhood But No one Would Take My Resignation
It has been my first full week doing all of the childcare (after the after school program of course – I’m not a total lunatic.) Cooking dinner every night, picking them up, laundry- you know the things...
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What It Really Takes To Be A Parent
There was a time not too long ago when I couldn’t spend more than four hours alone with my children without losing my mind. This was my truth- not something I invented but something I observed over...
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Depression’s Antidote
It is normal to derive joy from your kids’ joy. When I don’t, I feel even less normal than usual-which is a whole bunch of abnormal. What I have realized is when there is no joy in my life I cannot be...
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I’m Martha Fucking Stewart Minus The Jail Time
I made this dinner and impressed my kids. My new best friend is an amazing cook and stayed on the phone with me every time I started to panic. I’m a catch I tell ya…what do they say? “Cook in the...
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